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January 2023
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CONTENT WARNING

there may be mentions of transphobia, dysphoria, medical phobia, medical trauma, anxiety, depression, and/or thoughts of suicide/self harm. Proceed at your own discretion.

CONTENT WARNING

Tues. Jan 10, 2023. 11:11 PM.

I saw my chest in the mirror today and it just looked so unnatural. When will they ever stop growing?! And one is so much bigger than the other, it bothers me so much. At least one I can bind fairly well to almost make it disappear, but the other, i hate the other with a burning passion. And im all muscle, barely any fat, which makes it so much harder to bind. But binding aside, I caught my chest in the mirror, not binding, just wearing a white tshirt, and the way the shirt fell around my chest, especially the bigger side, it just made my insides turn. Not the usual "misquito bump" I used to have in high school or when im binding, but a fully formed womanly breast, and I had the urge to take the nearest sharpest object and cut it off like you would maybe a skin tag.

I haven't cried over my chest like this since high school. The Khol's bra section felt like a war zone - something so simple to everyone else, bra shopping felt like one of the most traumatic things I had to go through in my adolescence. Every single one of them had wires and extra padding and push up mechanisms, anything to make your chest look bigger. The older and older I got, the harder and harder it was to find padless training bras that held my chest against my body, and at one point I just couldn't take it anymore. The memory of breaking down into sobs after trying on a purple bra that made by breasts look twice the size they already were is burned into my memory, into my body; the memory of my mom getting irritated and asking me what was wrong and me not knowing how to articulate how I felt, I didn't know why I was so upset I just knew something wasn't right, I just hated the way my body looked in those horrid push ups and padded hellthings and I just wanted to wear the training bras I had worn since middle school and call it a day.

I bought the purple bra, I don't remember why, I just remember I bought it, maybe it was the best option out of all of the rest, and my mom somehow convinced me that I would learn to like it and I was just having an off day, but I put it on only once for about 5 mintues before shoving it into the back of my drawer never to be seen again, and when I did get a glimpse of it my stomach would churn and I would think of ways to throw it out without making my mom feel bad for spending so much on a bra that I never wore...

Throughout high school, I only had two bras that you could actually count as bras, these very plain wireless paddless cups that always had a weird amount of room left in them because my chest used to always be too small and there was never a bra that fit them right (another very irritating thing about bra shopping besides causing what I now know as dysphoria, but it also made me insecure that my boobs weren't big enough to be a woman or something), and I wore those babies out till they looked like they had been run over by a semi truck in a demolition derby, just as I did with those very first training bras which I actually didn't throw out until senior year when I got a girlfriend and felt that I should try being more feminine and finally leave that part of my childhood behind...

For reference, these are the very first training bras I ever got that I wore from 7th grade all the way until I graduated even though everyone and my momma (literally) told me to throw them out because they were nasty and falling apart and way too small on me at one point:

"Fruit of the Loom Women's Strappy Sports Bra, Style 9036, 4-Pack". Another memory burned vividly into my mind is that day my mom took me to walmart to buy my first bras. None of them looked right to me, none of them that my mom pointed out to me felt right, and I felt a deep discomfort, like an itch inbetween your intestines. I wish I knew then what I know now, I wish I knew that not everyone felt that way, and that maybe there was a reason that I wasn't as excited for puberty as my peers, that there was a reason I was more bothered than everyone else... My classmates and I would talk about the icks puberty and I would express my disgust only to be met with responses of, "Woah, it isn't *that* disgusting...we're just joking." That's all it was to them, just a big joke. To me my body felt like it was rotting from the inside out and to them it was the equivalent of laughing about accidentally stepping in a puddle of mud.

This is all I can write tonight. I'm hoping I can write something a bit happier next time.

-ron.

Sun. Dec 11, 2022. 11:01 PM.

What a day to start off the gender diaries.

I just got back from a big queer holiday get together, flew all the way to San Diego to go. This was my first flight I have taken as "Ronzi" officially, and with my gender marker reading "X," so that was a big thing for me. I was a bit nervous to go through TSA with my X marker, but no one even batted an eye about it. Hopefully it is like that for every other flight I ever take in the future, especially for the ones I want to eventually take outside of California... There were gender neutral restrooms in the Sacramento Airport I was able to use as well which made the experience so much more genderful. THEN, on top of that, I met a very nice trans girl as I was waiting to board and we ended up sitting together on the flight and having conversation the whole time! So I made a new friend I think, I thought that was pretty sweet.

The party was wonderful. I've met a majority of the people through a trans support group I attend online, and then some were just friends of those people or partners or relatives. I've never been a big party or get-together person. I have always felt anxious and out of place, and I was really nervous about flying all of the way out there for this party, worried that I would end up in a corner with nothing to do and no one to talk to, but to my surprise, for the first time I actually felt like I belonged somewhere, and like i was wanted in a space and got along with everyone. We played a bunch of games and did White Elephant and had a potluck and a huge fire and shared stories, it was wonderful! Just a big queer family, and I hope I'm able to go again next year.

One thing I learned this weekend is that I don't like to be referred to as "he/him" or "sir" or "mister" in any type of serious way by people who actually know me, who I have told that I am nonbinary and prefer they/them pronouns. If it's by a stranger, then that's euphoric for me, but I'm not really a man. I was he/him-ed a lot at the party on accident, I think because it was mostly a transmasc get-together group and that's the assumed default, and I guess I didn't mind it too much, I tried to revel in it, but honestly it just didn't feel right. I really like they/them and being nonbinary. I don't want to be seen as a man by the people who are close to me and who I trust. I will say though, I am thankful that I was never she/her-ed the whole party, and I was so on edge about it happening, it's just such a daily occurrence for me at this point between working customer service now and with trying to get out more...

I think another thing I've been learning about myself too is how different I am from so many other transmascs that I've been hanging out with. Like, i don't have the same relationship with dysphoria or with how im perceived by others or the urge to get on testosterone... There's definitely a disconnect that makes me feel...inadequate? Like a fraud? I just know for sure that I am not a trans MAN, but transmasc still feels right for me...for now...and besides "nonbinary" and "genderqueer."

Also, I stayed in a hotel overnight before catching my flight this morning, and I was happy to see that a rainbow flag was being flown above the hotel I had been staying at :)

Well, I never take as many pictures as I would like to, but I will leave you with these LGBTQ Frogs I drew for a Telestrations game we played at the party, lol.

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